1. Have you ever noticed how different people act when they think no one is watching? In the shower… we all do it. Trying to sing that high Mariah Carey note (you know… before she was crazy!!) How about when you’re in your room alone and all of a sudden Britney Spears’ “Oops I did it again” plays mysteriously on your stereo. If your friends were around they would be gagging and screaming “get that pop crap off.” But there isn’t anyone around. So… “Oops I did it again, played with my heart.” Now you know that’s when you visualize yourself in that red number she wore in the video. It looked like she was wearing a Cherry fruit Roll –up! The moment would not be complete without of course… the choreography! Popping your hands out from your chest in a heart shape… oh yeah!! That is so Gay!

But, My favorite is the car rap star…. I just love it. There’s nothing funnier than a blonde all American girl singing (maybe lip synching) “Back that ass up, you sexy mother fucker so back that ass up”, while she’s driving a Ford Focus with blinged out rims. Hey be proud of it! I can’t sing but I’ll do it. At least you aren’t torturing people with your singing at Karaoke.

2. So the Daily show with Jon Stewart was down here in Ft. Lauderdale this weekend filming a gay segment. Hey I hear we are very in these days. So leave it to a gay boy to tell them, “Oh my God you must have Fay on the show!” They listened. (Note: never say no to a gay boy that hasn’t gotten laid in a while.) Obviously they were going to make fun of gay-ness but hey, it’s some funny shit! So I started thinking about stereotypes and what the gay community has added to the different categories in the rainbow world.

Butchy women- aggressive, non-aggressive, top, bottom, softball, couch potato, beer guzzler, flannel, jerseys, lots of keys, purse holder, will only date femmes, likes other butches.

Femmes- aggressive, non-aggressive, top, bottom, make-up, stilettos, make-up, apple martinis, hard liquor, shots, make-up, skirts likes butchy girls, likes only femmes like her.

Then there are the hetero-flexible metro-sexual women that end up looking like gay women but are just butchy straight women.

Where do you fit in?

3. Break ups… What you miss afterwards…

Breaking up is never easy. There’s hurt feelings, loneliness, betrayal, tears, and frowns. Shit you might be the one who’s happy to be out of the relationship if you’re the lucky one. But, honestly how often is that the case. Instead of dwelling on all of these emotions and uncertainty of the future I’m going think about the things that are going to suck because sometimes it does Take Two to Tango.

Grocery shopping- when you go to Publix no matter what you go buy (i.e. sauce, garlic or toilet paper) you always end up with a cart full of groceries. Everything is fine until you have to carry all those bags yourself. My man or my butch girlfriend would always carry more bags than me. I had to make 4 trips from my car to my apartment. Publix should have a service for newly single people. More than five bags it comes with a person to carry them to your house. Then Publix will definitely be “Where Shopping is a Pleasure.”

Electronics- when you are in a relationship for along time there are things in the house that you have always counted on your mate to do. Of course you take them for granted. Mind you, the mistake that I made was that I never tried to learn how to do these tasks myself. Why should I bother to learn, that’s what I have him/her for? If I learn to do it, then I might forget some vital memory from my childhood! Memory overload or something. But, after the last box is moved out and you want to burn a CD to cry to and one to be empowered by, you realize… I don’t know how to burn a CD from my computer? Ok… so I can’t listen to Cher’s “Strong Enough” but it’s Monday night and nothing makes me happier than a bunch of men having sex with other men and me having a front row seat.

“Queer as Folk” is one of my favorite shows. Lots of my gay boys say it’s not realistic. Boys…? I’m not watching it for the plot. Anyway, it was on last night and I recorded it. Ha!! Hot gay sex that will take my mind off things. I put my videotape marked “Queer as Folk” in … and we‘re off.

OK…? Why is there a white man fishing talking to himself? Maybe some new kinky sex on a boat? Where’s Brian? I don’t care about the best technique to catch bass. I’m not going fishing anytime soon. I want my Gay sex!!! I have managed to record some fishing show for the next hour. I can’t work the damn VCR either? He could at least left instructions to this Japanese piece of shit!

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Ten Reasons why I love being a gay man in a woman’s body.

1. I don’t have to wax my chest.
2. Size of my penis cut or uncut doesn’t matter.
3. When having best friends that are gay boys I don’t have to carry anything because I am a girl and they don’t steal my clothes.
4. No hormones needed to soften my voice and lose my adams apple.
5. I’m the gay or straight test when my gay boys are cruising
6. Gay men have their periods 24/7. I have mine once a month and I can prove it.
7. Face it everyone loves boobs and I have two.
8. It’s easier to turn out a straight girl than a straight boy.
9. I get to wear make-up/heels and no one will look at me funny.
10. No lube needed already included.

Why I love being a Bi sexual woman.

• Being proud of loving women not because it’s cool but because it is… and it’s me!
• Having men wish they were me or the girl I’m with and wish they could “watch.”
• Walking anywhere with my girlfriend and stopping everything that is currently happening by just kissing in public.
• My brother’s are scared that their big sister might steal their girlfriend.
• The sheer enjoyment of my mom’s everyday prayers that I find a good Spanish boy to take care of me instead of a woman.
• I have great come backs for men who say that one night with them I will never want a woman again.
• Butch or femme? Depending on the day it doesn’t matter.
• Movies, mall, gas station, straight club, gay club, all girls, all guys… I always have a better chance to score than straight guys or lesbians.
• My gay boys, trans, drag queens, lesbians, bi-girls and me can all go to the bathroom together!

What I hate about hanging with three gay boys.

• They don’t Listen
• They’re bitches
• They try to turn my boyfriend out.
• They most of the decisions
• They weigh more than I do.
• They can beat me up.
• They snore and smell (So do I!)

But no matter what its fun, and where ever we go we get into trouble.

Is it me or…

Was Ben Affleck hotter when he was J Lo.?

What’s the point of cable when more than half of channels are crap?

Why do we learn how to write in cursive in school when 90% of the people don’t use it (i.e. me)

When was the last time you saw a magazine article in cursive?

Why do you find someone else’s accent sexy?

How did anyone get in touch with each other before cell phones?

Why do people think that cell phones are a homing device?

If you call me and it goes into voicemail why do you feel the need to call 10 more times? I have caller ID. Maybe I don’t want to talk to you.

Why do I love people who aren’t from this country and try to speak English but hate the ones that don’t bother?

Why, if there are tops and bottoms with both gay men and women, can’t a butch lesbian go out with a flamy gay boy?

Why are 13 year olds looking 35 and 40 year olds looking 21?

How did people jog, before running shoes?

Notice that drinking is so important that Happy Hour is more than one hour.

Why is cheese left over when making a sandwich?

Shouldn’t I be able to talk a “talk shit” brake when smokers take a cigarette break since I don’t smoke?