1. Have you ever noticed how different people act when they think no one is watching? In the shower… we all do it. Trying to sing that high Mariah Carey note (you know… before she was crazy!!) How about when you’re in your room alone and all of a sudden Britney Spears’ “Oops I did it again” plays mysteriously on your stereo. If your friends were around they would be gagging and screaming “get that pop crap off.” But there isn’t anyone around. So… “Oops I did it again, played with my heart.” Now you know that’s when you visualize yourself in that red number she wore in the video. It looked like she was wearing a Cherry fruit Roll –up! The moment would not be complete without of course… the choreography! Popping your hands out from your chest in a heart shape… oh yeah!! That is so Gay!

But, My favorite is the car rap star…. I just love it. There’s nothing funnier than a blonde all American girl singing (maybe lip synching) “Back that ass up, you sexy mother fucker so back that ass up”, while she’s driving a Ford Focus with blinged out rims. Hey be proud of it! I can’t sing but I’ll do it. At least you aren’t torturing people with your singing at Karaoke.

2. So the Daily show with Jon Stewart was down here in Ft. Lauderdale this weekend filming a gay segment. Hey I hear we are very in these days. So leave it to a gay boy to tell them, “Oh my God you must have Fay on the show!” They listened. (Note: never say no to a gay boy that hasn’t gotten laid in a while.) Obviously they were going to make fun of gay-ness but hey, it’s some funny shit! So I started thinking about stereotypes and what the gay community has added to the different categories in the rainbow world.

Butchy women- aggressive, non-aggressive, top, bottom, softball, couch potato, beer guzzler, flannel, jerseys, lots of keys, purse holder, will only date femmes, likes other butches.

Femmes- aggressive, non-aggressive, top, bottom, make-up, stilettos, make-up, apple martinis, hard liquor, shots, make-up, skirts likes butchy girls, likes only femmes like her.

Then there are the hetero-flexible metro-sexual women that end up looking like gay women but are just butchy straight women.

Where do you fit in?

3. Break ups… What you miss afterwards…

Breaking up is never easy. There’s hurt feelings, loneliness, betrayal, tears, and frowns. Shit you might be the one who’s happy to be out of the relationship if you’re the lucky one. But, honestly how often is that the case. Instead of dwelling on all of these emotions and uncertainty of the future I’m going think about the things that are going to suck because sometimes it does Take Two to Tango.

Grocery shopping- when you go to Publix no matter what you go buy (i.e. sauce, garlic or toilet paper) you always end up with a cart full of groceries. Everything is fine until you have to carry all those bags yourself. My man or my butch girlfriend would always carry more bags than me. I had to make 4 trips from my car to my apartment. Publix should have a service for newly single people. More than five bags it comes with a person to carry them to your house. Then Publix will definitely be “Where Shopping is a Pleasure.”

Electronics- when you are in a relationship for along time there are things in the house that you have always counted on your mate to do. Of course you take them for granted. Mind you, the mistake that I made was that I never tried to learn how to do these tasks myself. Why should I bother to learn, that’s what I have him/her for? If I learn to do it, then I might forget some vital memory from my childhood! Memory overload or something. But, after the last box is moved out and you want to burn a CD to cry to and one to be empowered by, you realize… I don’t know how to burn a CD from my computer? Ok… so I can’t listen to Cher’s “Strong Enough” but it’s Monday night and nothing makes me happier than a bunch of men having sex with other men and me having a front row seat.

“Queer as Folk” is one of my favorite shows. Lots of my gay boys say it’s not realistic. Boys…? I’m not watching it for the plot. Anyway, it was on last night and I recorded it. Ha!! Hot gay sex that will take my mind off things. I put my videotape marked “Queer as Folk” in … and we‘re off.

OK…? Why is there a white man fishing talking to himself? Maybe some new kinky sex on a boat? Where’s Brian? I don’t care about the best technique to catch bass. I’m not going fishing anytime soon. I want my Gay sex!!! I have managed to record some fishing show for the next hour. I can’t work the damn VCR either? He could at least left instructions to this Japanese piece of shit!