Ex’s


I was reading this article the other day about the difference between a woman’s breakup and a man’s. Supposedly, a woman holds on to an old relationship twice even three times as long as a man. Now, since gay people do everything in 3’s (Like the universe by the way) Does that mean that when two Women are in a relationship its 3 years to get over!!?? SHIT!!!

Think of your last relationship. Even if the break-up was recent, you know why it would never work. All the reasons you are not together are spelled out in the most honest way. Yet, if you glanced at each other at The Café on a Sunday, there is a huge possibility that “Drama” would arise…or…SEX. That’s how we are!! Let’s say you’ve been broken up for even a YEAR yet if you saw her at “Hot Pants” with someone else….it would be an immediate call to your BF to scream and cry. Why are we like that?? Why can’t we be like men in that right and stop reverting BACK!! They are our ex’s for a reason!!!!

I am no different. You hear me on the radio, talking all my smack. Yet, if my ex was not psycho (we’ll get to that in a few) I would be all over that. I don’t know what your ex is all about but mine.. Well aside from being incredibly beautiful, she makes me laugh. I am the person of my group, in my job and everyday in between, put here to make others laugh. (BTW thank God for that gift, don’t get me wrong) but because of that, its harder to make me laugh. She does that. You know the out loud HOLY SHIT my ribs hurt laugh??? She can do that. Her sense of humor is second to none. She never gave two shits about “Who I was” or that “I was on the radio”. To her I was that chick that woke up in the morning with big hair and eyeliner down my face.

Aside from that, the love she projected to our cat was amazing to watch. (Yeah I know…REAL LESBIAN) It gave me such dreams about a probable future someday. SO you are thinking now…”FAY all that sounds like you found your dream girl..WHAT THE F!!!!” SHE’S A PSYCHO. And worse of all, I might have turned her into this PSYCHO!!

Because I love my ladies. I am here to help. Here is the guideline as to what is psycho. LADIES…Look at your girl!! This might be her. I had to no idea it was possible when I started seeing and falling for “Penny”.

Checking your cell phone for messages and trying to turn even the ones from your mom as sexual.

MySpace is her ultimate Best Friend! ( NOT GOOD) Check it every once in a while not ten times a day. I am sorry NO!!! FIND FRIENDS!!!!

Constant comments about SHIT you did a year ago. GET OVER IT!!!

NOT accepting the fact that because she does not get along with your friends, they are not going anywhere.

When you stop and tell yourself, “Holy shit, I am in love!! When you want her to have a better life than you. When you want her never to suffer or cry. When you think of her more than yourself, when you know she’s not for you but still do all you can for her to smile. RUN!!!

My favorite….Drunk Bitch!!! Do I have to explain this one???? You know!!! She Makes you look stupid at a club you frequent. “Penny” is good at that one. WOW!!!! Sorry Badlands. I love you and see you Friday.

I think I’ll end this with saying. Ladies, its not easy living this life. But according to EX’s…I am with you and feel your pain. More to come on “THE PENNY!! CRAZY BITCH!!!!”

Comments..go to my MYSPACE page under Ladyfay Wild 949 to do so. Or send me an email at ladyfay949@yahoo.com and I will air it on the show. Love you Ladies. You are my inspiration!!!

STEREOTYPES


Stereotypes are everywhere..and I mean EVERYWHERE. Why did I think that here in San Francisco that would change??? Butch, Femme, Gay, Straight. Perception is said to be reality. So why don’t people try to read the book before saying what its about. Let’s clear some stuff up right now. I am, will be and have always been Bi. Which by the way, that word has to be changed. These days, every drunken Truth or Dare player considers herself “Bi”. I’ve always loved both sexes. Been in love with both sexes. Had lots of sex with both sexes. At the end of the day, sex is what you make it. And sex was made DAMN good with both. There it is!!! God made some beautiful specimens of humanity. Not tons but a few.

I remember telling my mom. “I love eating both papayas as well as bananas”. I don’t care the gender as long as they make me happy. Now don’t get me wrong. Just like my BF Liza says, “ You know you’d rather have papayas any day, but the protein in a banana might be needed sometimes”. Telling your mom about your sexuality is important but the timing is never right. I love my mom but she is out there. She taught me to be a strong Latin woman and never let anyone RULE me or put me down. Come to think of it, she probably made me GAY. Anyway, as much as she tells me I am going to HELL because of my “mischief”. My mom is stuck in 1985 and there is no IRIS CHACON going to get her out. She doesn’t believe in modern medicine and the use of a turkey baster in helping her get a grandchild. Hey MOM…I CAN ADOPT CRAZY LADY!!! AND BY THE WAY ..ITS 2006 GET CALL WAITING!!!! Ok I feel better now.

MORE MOM

Let me tell you people. Mom is tripping!!! Now that I have been “without a man” like she says and I am dating only women lately. She’s flippin!!! Is it bad that I like it!!!!!!!



FRIENDS

Many friends that were around when I had a “Boyfriend” 2 and half years ago refer to me as a lesbian. By the way, YEAH they all knew all along. ESTUPIDAS!!!!! OK! I love my Lesbians. Its an honor to be nominated for this award but its not mine. I can’t and won’t accept it.

There’s nothing wrong with being a LESBIAN. The fact that I am dating a woman hard-core, not looking at anyone else, does not make me a LESBIAN. Love you Guys but maybe I am in transition. I am not the “truth or dare” Bi I hate..do trust.. I am all about my ladies. YUM!!! Trust me the LIMBO, PERGATORY that BI-life is no “Will and Grace” Marathon.

SOCIETY

I never noticed the looks you get holding your girl’s hand. Just walking down the street aside from Castro. It’s different. Going to an A’s game is a sight. Men, are such MEN. Its like they are watching “Where the Men Aren’t Vol. III (that’s a porno for straight men that only has women in it, By the way, in case you did not know) I have been at Chili’s with a girl and men have actually thrown money @ us for the “supposed SHOW” Are you Fuckin Serious??? I laughed but honestly thought it was disgusting.

At the UM game in Miami, we were cheering our team on. I could hear the Freakin guys behind us. (Because Straight men have no tact.) “Its like watching Spike TV for free”. Men are so simple some times.

Hmmmmm…

Why do people think that a cell phone is a fucking homing device?? Why is it that I do not pick up the phone?? You get the voice mail, yet you feel the need to call ten more times?? Everyone has caller ID. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to talk to you. Hmmmmmm…

Why do people love other who are not from this country and try to speak English but hate the ones that do not bother to learn the language?? Hmmmmm..

Why is it that there is tops and bottoms with both Gay Men and Gay Women?

Is It me or was Ben Affleck hotter with J-lo than with Jennifer Garner. That’s a bad look for her.!

What’s the point of all these channels on cable when three quarters of the channels are crap?

Why did we learn to write in cursive in school when no one uses it. In that aspect, when is the last time you have seen a magazine article in cursive??

Why does everyone find an accent different from theirs sexy???

How did anyone get in touch with each other before cellphones?? Hmmmm..

Are 13 year olds looking 35 and 40 year olds looking 21??

How did people jog before jogging shoes??

Notice that drinking is so important that happy hour is more than one hour??

Why is there always cheese left over when making sandwiches??

Why can’t I take a “Talk shit” break when smokers take a cigarette break since I don’t smoke?? Hmmmm…

Why is it that even though you have not done a thing, you feel guilty when pulled over by a cop??

Why are there tanning salons in Florida??

If New Jersey is the armpit of the United States then does that make Florida the penis??

Why do 85% of men have ugly toes??

Is there really a need for glasses when there is lasic??

Does drinking ever get old??

DO ribs actually stick to your ribs??

Is it not crazy that white wine takes out red wine??

Is it still possible to suck your teeth at someone when you have NO teeth?? Hmmmmm….

How do I know???

How do I figure out who people are when no one seems to be who they allow you to see. Why do High School ways follow us through our lives. No matter what, where, when ..there is always “drama” cliques. No matter how old or ethnicity, there is always bull to be talked about and jealousy to be had. I honestly believe that one of many reasons my last relationship did not work was because of people hoping the worse for the relationship. Now the question lies…do you tackle it head on?? Confront the culprit. Take a stand to clear your name. That never works. Trust me. Kill them with kindness. This sometimes seems like the way to go. We as “Rebels” of life by being Gay, do not really listen to the advise from mom like, “You are gonna poke someone’s eye out with that, or, Don’t play fight, or my favorite, if Jenny jumps off a bridge are you going to??? But this piece of info, I definitely take to heart. “Kill them with Kindness!” Its really funny how people can not take it. The people that talk so much shit. The people who “hate you”. Talk bad about you are usually the ones to end up speechless. At least to your face. ADVISE…. Absorb their energies. Convert those energies into positive energy and you are two steps ahead. I love you!!!

As featured in
eveinterrupted : e-zine
a new lesbian experience south florida style

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Story: Being a Faux Lesbian
Guest Writer: Fay Carmona
Critique: "Hilarious"....proclaims George Bush

Being Called a Faux Lesbian.. I thought that title would get your attention!! With all the events I do on a daily basis I have the honor and pleasure to meet the most animated, caring, passionate people in the world. Can you feel a but coming?? Yes here it come a big o‘ PuertoRican J-Lo butt. There’s always a yin to the yang. A black to the white. A bad for good. And believe me not everyone uses their powers for good instead of evil like I do. The drama Queens. The gossipers. The people that have nothing going on in their lives so they talk about yours. Your life is their General Hospital with out the doctors but with all the mouth to mouth. Then there’s others that just can’t help it and they are in a category all their own.

I have a dear friend that is a lesbian. Let’s call her Trisette. (Real names changed to protect..well the writer damn it!!) It’s a fact that there is nothing worse than a beautiful lesbian that doesn’t take shit from anyone and wants to protest against the world except a beautiful lesbian that doesn’t take shit from anyone, wants to protest against the world and carries shit loads of Sarcasm wherever she goes. It’s her own kind of ammo. Like when Monkeys fling poo at each other. Same logic. Say something that gives her enough time to reach in her bag and…. you may have a face full of poo. Well Trisette called me a Faux Lesbian. She knows how dedicated I am to the gay community even though I know that Bisexuals are as welcomed as the KKK at Freak-nik but still I’m there. So that got me thinking… If Trisette thinks that then maybe others do too. Am I a fake lesbian because I also like men? Am I a fake lesbian because I love wearing heels even in the middle of the day to go to Publix? I’ve gone to Publix with Rollers in my hair does that make me a House wife? So for my first article in this Fant-a-bulous publication I’ll break it down for you so we can move on and really make fun of everything around us. From sex to clothes. To sex with clothes. And all in between.

But Let me begin by saying that without the gay community I could never do my job. At least not legally. I am a radio personality that likes women!! Say it isn’t so! Let’s get ALL of this out of the way now. I am bisexual. It’s not a cop-out! If I could choose? Trust me I would have done it a long time ago. It would have saved me from many embarrassing situations and would have spared me from some of the odd places I’ve had sex. Its not a fad, I’ve always felt for women. I remember in high school gym noticing that I enjoyed the locker room a little too much. I remember having vivid dreams about sleeping with Madonna. I just shrugged it off, as I was just a big fan. Well According to my dream I sure was a Big Fan……..a big fan of her cooter. Years later when I was old enough to finally understand what I was feeling I FREAKED!!! And depression soon followed. You have to understand I come from a very Macho Latino family. Puerto Rican father and Colombian Mother who sent me to church every Sunday so I wouldn’t forget that I was going to hell if I committed ANY sins in the following 6 days. Didn’t matter what type of church from Pentecostal to Baptist I was there bright and early Sunday morning. Some of the girls in the Youth Group were cute. (Anyway.) My dad was the typical homophobic father. Tough guy who would “Break someone’s face” if he got hit on by a male.” Relationships with men were relatively easy. I felt bad sometime for men, straight men. They can be so Damn sexy but so damn stupid. So driven by the cooter! While other girls had the possessive boyfriend and the perfect designer clothes, I didn’t. I told my boyfriends when they could see me. “6am at my house before school and be there with breakfast in hand.” Plus I made my hand me down clothes into COOL pieces by attaching safety pins, patches and lots of marker. I was so Gay. (Please!) Plus it all happened in Freakin New Jersey, the armpit of the United States. The closest gay person was this flamer down the street and the closest gay bar was in The East Village in New York. All this and my crazy nappy hair had become an afro. I was having issues and I was confused. But I figured out how to help all my distress. MOVE!!! I left to one of the Gay-est places on earth. South Florida. This is where I met my better half..my alter ego….the person under that mask I had been wearing all those years. Gay Fay!!! She’s cute, has a great sense of style, is a HUGE Fag hag, is comfortable in her own skin and goes above and beyond when it comes to the Gay Community and their events. Welcome to my world. Now you know and knowing is half the battle. G.I. FAY…

PS: I just re-read this article a week later and MAN do I need therapy. Peace and love.

Till Next time. Make sure you don’t sleep with anyone that is not registered to vote. We must get this Bush disease out of office!!!